Dear Ante Jo

I need help with this my problem. I have been married for the past 4 years. Over a year ago we started having problems in our marriage.

Every little problem, my wife will contact her family and the advice they will give her, changes her attitude completely towards me, so little by little we have been driven apart. Now I feel like there is no way out, am up to my wits end, I cannot talk to her so is like a silent trade in the house.

We live alone but 24-7 she is backwards and forward to her family house. Even food she would go there and cook and bring it to our house, as if I cannot afford to look after her, which is wrong.

Anytime there is a function that we attend together, she will not be okay until she sees a family member, then she will change and they will be giving me funny looks. One day I confronted her elder sister who seems to be much involved with our marriage affairs in terms of senior adviser to my wife.

She came up with stories about my friend, that my friend is the one soiling my marriage, but Ante I do not discuss  my marriage with anybody not even my friend, so I recorded the conversation and played it back to my friend who was shocked and confronted my sister in law. She was shocked and had to apologise to my friend for lying.

As much as I love my wife, I want to end our marriage, because, my wife does not respect me and has made me loose my respect in front of her family. We cannot think together or make future plans without her contacting her family, so please help.

Joshua

My dear Joshua, I think you need to talk to your wife about how you really feel. Without interrupting her, do also hear her side. Maybe, there is a problem somewhere that you have not addressed properly.

Communication is the root to a successful marriage and understanding one another. Your wife needs to understand that marriage is about two people coming together as one, so I am not saying; she should ignore her family, but she has to know her priorities as a wife.

Sometimes, women feel that if marriages don't work, the family will be there so they seek refuge in that or hide behind the family instead of facing the reality.

Please reassure her or seek help from an independent marriage councillor.

My advice to in-laws: Please allow your loved ones to make their own mistakes and be there when they need you.

PLEASE stop interfering in their marriages; otherwise they will not be able to move forward in life. Have a bit of empathy in you. After all you cannot marry them!!!!!!!!!

Dear Ante Jo

 I am going out with a very nice man whom I love very much. He is polite, courteous and all my friends and family like him.

Anytime we go out and are talking about college and university stuff, he will sit quietly and will not contribute. He has now proposed to marry me and I have accepted it. But only a month ago, I met somebody who knows my fiancée very well and said, he never finished even secondary school and that he used to be a petty trader in his city. After I heard that I was confused and felt like I did not know him at all, because he always gave the impression that he was a graduate like me.

Why will anyone lie like that, because now I do not know what else he is lying about? How do I approach this matter? I feel betrayed. Is it my fault that he felt he had to lie. Please help. How do I make him talk about his background without embarrassing him?

Tracy

Dear Tracy

Try and find the right time when you are both relaxed and in a good mood to talk about this problem. Make him feel comfortable, and do not accuse him of anything, try and put yourself in his shoe, a nice lady very well educated falling madly in love. Perhaps he never taught you would accept his proposal if he told you the truth.

If you really love him, you will find a common ground to tackle this problem. Make him aware that not only will you become his wife later but his best friend as well. Let him know he can confide in you about anything. After all you do not have to be a graduate to succeed in life. Love looks beyond certificates and there is no boundary when it comes to love matters.

Good luck

ARCHIVES-AGONY AUNT