Baptizing a Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk answers, “Yes, I am.” So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, “Brother have you found Jesus?”

The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, “Have you found Jesus my brother?”

The drunk again answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.” By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again — - but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

A Mental Test

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Edna’s heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Edna the news he said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom.

I am so sorry, but he’s dead.” Edna replied “He didn’t hang himself; I put him there to dry.”

An American Journalist and a Nigerian Immigration Officer

An American journalist, who was tired of receiving complaints that Nigerians answer questions with another question decided to personally investigate the allegation.

The journalist got a Nigerian visiting visa, bought his flight ticket, and off he flew to Nigeria. He was prepared to stay as long as necessary in order to discover the fact.

When he got to the Nigerian airport, he was approached by an immigration officer whose duty it was to check the validity of entry visas and decide whether to deny or permit entry into Nigeria.

They got themselves into the following dialogue:

Immigration officer: What is the purpose of your visit, sir?

Journalist: I am here to investigate an allegation against Nigerians.

Immigration Officer: What is the allegation?

Journalist: Conventional wisdom is that Nigerians answer a question with another question. Is it true?

In response, the immigration office angered by what he felt was a calumny against his motherland answered angrily... WHO TOLD YOU THAT?

The journalist smugly and satisfactorily asked the immigration officer to return his passport and said, ‘Thank you but, I do not want an entry permit anymore’.

I can't believe how materialistic you are

A very successful Nigerian Man parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.

The man immediately grabbed his cell phone, called the cops, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the Nigerian man started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the man finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief."

I can't believe how materialistic you Nigerians are" he said "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the Nigerian man

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the man. "Where's my Rolex?