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THE LOVE THING
By Eric Orji
E-mail: ayoadehat@yahoo.co.uk |
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How do you know when you’ve found your true love?
One of the most common questions love specialists often hear is "How do you know if it is really love?" Well, as you can imagine, this also happens to be one of the most difficult
questions to answer! Love is such a strange, wonderful thing that nobody really has codified what it is yet. And to further complicate matters, there are so many different kinds of love: the love you feel for a friend, a family member, a sport or even a pet. This is such a crazy emotion that there is absolutely no way that I can definitively answer how you know it is love… but I am going to give it a try!
Now, in order to find out if you love someone, the basic place to start would be to ask yourself, do you want to be with them? If the answer to that question is no, then it really can't be love. When you love someone, you want to be with them. Not just be with them, but share everything with them. You have a great day at work and want to rush home and tell them every wonderful thing that has happened. You feel excited at the prospect of just being in their company, just being close to them isn't enough, you want to be a part of them, a part of their life forever.
You can't stand the thought of being away from them yet, when you are, you still feel that ever-present bond that ties you together wherever you go. You can almost feel what they
are feeling. You feel like, with a little bit of effort, you can see what they are seeing and think what they are thinking. It is almost as if you both can occupy each other's bodies with complete trust and harmony. That to me is love.
Now, on the other side of the spectrum, there are a host of emotions that people confuse with love. One of the most common is lust. There is a difference between wanting to sleep with someone and wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone. Being overly dependent on the other person is also not a part of love. Some people fall into the trap of thinking they love someone just because they are afraid to be alone.
They have become dependent on the other person for so much that they don't know how to make it on their own, or they would much rather be with someone than no-one. This leads to the old cliché, in order to love someone else, you must first learn to love yourself. Well, we've all heard that before, but what does it really mean? It means that you have to be confident in your own ability and your own judgement. You really have to like yourself and know what you have to offer another person.
There is no way that you can love another person if you are so stuck in your own hang-ups that you bow down and propitiate to the other person. That is, you do anything they
ask and agree with everything they say out of fear that they will love you less because you don't do those things.
Basically, the question of whether or not you are in love with someone is pretty cut and dry: you either are or you aren't… and deep down, you know the answer. You just have to trust yourself to recognize it.
Should I say he loves me?
Dear LoveThing,
I have been "seeing" someone for a few months. He is by far the most thoughtful, wonderful man I have ever known. He treats me with a great deal of respect, we talk every day and see each other a couple of times a week. Our connection seemed natural right from the start. The difficulty is that I really don't know how he feels about me, and
when I ask, he tells me that he cares about me, that I am one of the most caring people he knows, he enjoys being with me, etc., but he never tells me where his heart is. My dad was recently very sick, and he has never met my parents, but he sent my father flowers in the hospital, which blew me away completely. I guess I am looking for your opinion.
Do his actions or his words speak louder about the way he feels? I know he is a cautious person by nature and has had some difficult situations in the past.
----SHANA
Love Thing****It's easy as a woman to want your feelings all neat and tidy in a pretty little box with a ribbon. Men on the other hand, especially in a new relationship, aren't always as ready to commit to their feelings. I think with his actions, while he may not feel in love with you at this moment, you certainly have a fantastic foundation for it to become more. He seems like a great catch, and it would be more than worth your time to let him become more comfortable and intimate with you. Look at it this way, would you rather be with someone who says they love you every moment, but doesn't do half of what this guy is doing? Or, would you rather be with someone who takes his emotions seriously and shows you at every opportunity that you are someone he cares very much for? Just do what you are doing and let things take their pace. When you want to show him how you feel, don't tell him you love him until he tells you. Instead find other ways to express how you feel.
For example, you let him know how much you respect him and how much he has contributed to your life. You can say how you feel without saying those specific words. With a guy like this, I think this may be your best chance at getting him to tell you how he really feels.
He wants us to live together
Dear LoveThing,
My boyfriend of nine months asked me if I would get a place with him and live with him. Well, I want to, but a lot of people are telling me it might not be a good idea (like my friends). My family is happy, but my friends are telling me it's a big mistake. So, I was wondering if you would think it's a mistake to live together with him since we have only been together for nine months. I feel ready and he's ready, but everyone says it's a mistake. What should I do?
---MUSU
Love Thing****You should always follow your heart in every decision you make. If you feel like this is the right step in your relationship, then it's something you should seriously
consider. If your friends are against the more permanent union, you should try to determine where their concern is stemming from. Is it from their own previous failures? Are they against the relationship as a whole, or just you moving in together? I've always known that when one doubts something in their relationship, the best way to handle it is
to have a heart-to-heart talk with your partner about your concerns. If moving in together is the right decision you should be able to comfortably do this and find a resolution that will make you happy. If you do decide to move in together, you should take some financial precautions to protect yourself. Make sure you have a written agreement about who will be responsible for what and who owns what.
I want to spend the rest of my life with him
Dear LoveThing,
My boyfriend and I have been going out for about 6 months now. After one month we moved in together. I have liked him for 5 or 6 years (since we first met). But we lost contact and finally got back together through email and now are together. I love him dearly and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but it feels like he does not want that same thing. A few months ago we use to talk a lot about it, but now we don't. What do I do?
---BIMBO
Love Thing****The best way to figure out what's going on inside someone's head is just to ask them. You should also take note of what things may have changed to cause the lapse in communication. Does he have more stress at work or school? Are there family problems? Is money tight? Often times, these types of problems spill over into relationships without the couple being aware of it. Maybe he just needs a little support and love. Plan a romantic evening where you can both spend some quality alone time together. Take that opportunity to bring up the fact you've noticed some changes and were wondering if things were okay in his life right now.
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