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THE LOVE THING
By Eric Orji
E-mail: ayoadehat@yahoo.co.uk |
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Dr Love
Am I the oldest virgin living?
Dear LoveThing
I'm a 25-year-old virgin. I've had opportunities to break my virginity, but it never felt "right." Now I feel like I've waited for so long that it's never going to happen.
Help!...Cintia
Lovething**Ooh… dear, calm yourself! There is no age after which you're disqualified from ever having sex. In fact, by your mid-20s you're probably smarter and more womanly than you've ever been, so when you do have sex, you'll probably enjoy the experience more. Of course, your first time won't be great if you get over anxious and hop into bed with the next guy who happens to walk into your sight line. True story: A college girl got so depressed that she was going to graduate without losing her virginity that she chose to "do it" with a guy she wasn't in love with but who was older and more experienced.
Unfortunately, not only was he unable to perform, but years later, when she hoped he would have remembered how important this event was to her, he had no recollection that it even happened. All in all, it was a disappointing encounter. The moral of the story: You can't arbitrarily hurry this process. Keep your eyes open for a guy you really care about, one who turns you on, makes you laugh, and whom you've dated and gotten to know well. Affection and attraction help to make most women's first experience of intercourse more enjoyable. Sure, there are some who find it liberating to have their first time with an inconsequential partner who simply makes them weak in the knees. But more often than not, coping with an unfamiliar and emotionally detached partner makes one feel more anxious about the experience, and somewhat sad, in retrospect, that the first time didn't happen with someone special. As long as you've waited this long, you might as well wait a little longer to make sure your experience is as good as it can be.
Meanwhile, loosen up a little! Date a lot. Explore your sexuality and learn about your body and sexual psyche. Give yourself permission to be sensual and erotic and to lose a few inhibitions. Wear clothes that make you feel sexy and desirable; go out dancing and really loosen up and feel your body; read sexy books that turn you on; explore your body. Think of this as training for the big event. A little mental and physical preparation will pay off when you do meet the guy you want to make love to.
What’s the best way to have a serious relationship talk?
Dear LoveThing,
I'm so bad at tackling difficult issues in my relationship. Do you have any tips for getting serious conversations started in a productive way?
….Kemi
Lovething**Without exception, everyone feels awkward about hashing out their relationship issues. We're afraid that whatever we say, we'll cause our partner to feel hurt, defensive or fed up, and then things will get worse, not better. It's also natural to fear that offering criticism or asking for change will make our partner rethink the relationship. These fears, among others, either immobilize us or cause us to blurt out our dissatisfaction in the most nonconstructive ways. Spontaneous temper tantrums and emotional breakdowns are unproductive and potentially destructive reactions to tense issues. To build a healthy, strong and satisfying relationship, you need to take a more balanced, thoughtful approach to discussing your problems. Here is a short guide to getting your relationship talks on track:
*Talk Before You're Furious: In a healthy relationship, both partners communicate before an issue makes them really upset. (That means avoiding all forms of stewing, festering and harbouring anger!) As a couple, promise each other that you'll bring problems to light right off the bat. Understand that discussing a concern is not treacherous or unloving but quite the opposite; it's proof that you two love each other enough to work hard at solving your issues.
*Set the Ground Rules: No one wants to feel as if he or she is being bullied or lectured to, so make a rule that each of you speaks your peace and then gives the other person time to reply. If you want a real shot at solving a problem, both of you need to feel that the other person is listening.
*Make Time to Talk: Set a time for your conversation. If you jump into your discussion off the cuff, when you're feeling raw and emotional, the conversation will likely take many hurtful turns. On the other hand, if you know when the discussion is going to take place, each of you can be emotionally prepared and figure out what it is that's really bothering you and how to communicate it respectfully.
*Stick to the Issue: When you start the conversation, stick with the problem you want to discuss; don't unload everything that's bothering you. If you try to solve every little issue, from your mismatched libidos to his lessthan- admirable housekeeping habits, you'll solve nothing, and your partner will feel bushwhacked.
*Be Positive: Say what's bothering you, explain why it's troubling, and offer suggestions about what might help fix it. Remember to be open to your partner's point of view and his suggestions for potential solutions. See whether you can come up with a working compromise. For example, if the issue is his perpetual lateness, list the events for which he can absolutely promise to be on time (Friday night family dinners, the kids' games) and some that he can miss or be late for (dinner at your brother's house).
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Email: ayoadehat@yahoo.co.uk
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