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THE LOVE THING
By Eric Orji
E-mail: ayoadehat@yahoo.co.uk |
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Dr Love
He cheated and I can't get over it!
DEAR LOVETHING,
My boyfriend kissed another girl during the first six months we were dating. A year later, we're still together, but I can't get over the fact that he cheated on me! In fact, I bring it up whenever we're fighting, which makes him furious. How can I get past our past?
….SADE
**You need to come to a conclusion about whether or not your boyfriend is worthy of your trust. How did you find out about his cheating? If he told you about his indiscretion, that's a good sign, it shows that he felt guilty and wanted to make things right.
If you found out through someone else, it's not a fatal mistake, lots of people get cowardly about saying they were unfaithful, but it does stand to reason that you'd have a harder time letting bygones be bygones. I do think you should consider the circumstances under which he kissed this other girl.
Were the two of you going through a tough time, or were you less committed to each other than you are now? An unusual situation that no longer holds true means it's more likely that his behaviour won't be repeated. You should also use his current behaviour to determine whether or not you can trust him.
For example, does he usually let you know where he's going and what he's doing? Is he happy to give you a phone number where you can get a hold of him? Does he act affectionate in public, even in front of other girls? That would indicate that he's proud to be your man and isn't on the prowl for someone new.
Trust is the base of every relationship and without it, you simply can't make things work. If you believe that your guy is capable of being loyal, then you have to take steps to quit thinking about the fact that he cheated.
Try focusing your attention on your future together and the things that you hope for, such as marriage. You need to stop using his past as your secret weapon when you get mad.
Even a criminal has a right to start a new life when he pays for his crime. If you repeatedly bring up this painful topic, you're blocking the lines of communication between the two of you.
I truly think that your relationship has the potential to be saved, but you're going to have to find the strength to forgive your boyfriend and the courage to change your behaviour. Only then will you and your guy be able to move forward toward a new, better stage of your relationship. Good luck!
I'm feeling confused and guilty
DEAR LOVETHING,
I've been with my husband for a total of eleven years. We've been married for four. We have similar tastes and interests and can at times enjoy each other's company. We're good friends. The problem is that I don't really think we are very romantically compatible.
He has, from day one, hounded me to lose weight. He never touches me unless he "wants something," and he becomes frustrated and angry when I don't come to him for intimacy.
He doesn't understand that when he makes comments like, "Boy, you look fat today," that it does nothing to make me feel sexy or want to be intimate.
This issue has been something that we have both just dealt with over the years. We've tried to work it out numerous times and have always hit a brick wall. Now, I have a problem; I've discovered what I've been missing.
It is no secret that a co-worker of mine has a crush on me. I suspected this, but whenever his name is brought up, everyone mentions it. He is the most observant person I've ever met. He can look at me and know if I don't feel well, if I am depressed, or if my right contact is drying out. When another staff member was in a serious car crash, it hit me hard, even though I tried to pretend it didn't. He knew better. He followed me down to my office and told me that he knew I wasn't okay. Then he wrapped his arms around me and held me while I cried.
Another time, I got such a bad headache that I could hardly function. I went down to the office to lie down. Minutes later, there he was with aspirin. He refused to leave me until I was feeling better. When I joked that I was too tired to walk back to my car, he scooped me up in his arms and carried me. When we had a bad storm a week later, he called me at home to make sure that I wasn't hurt. I've never seen him outside of work, and aside from what I mentioned above, I've only leaned my head on his shoulder.
We've never kissed or engaged in any other behaviour that I would consider cheating, but I feel badly about it anyway. This is especially true because lately I miss him when he doesn't work and I find myself thinking about him all the time. Just remembering a time that we worked a shift together makes me smile and makes my heart beat faster. I know it shouldn't. I know I should avoid him and get over it, but he makes me feel special, important, and attractive. I haven't felt special, important, or desirable in a very long time. I wish I knew what to do. ….JN
**Feeling attractive and special isn't something to feel guilty over. If your husband wasn't so busy demoralizing you, another person couldn't make that kind of impression. Having someone say thoughtless and down right rude comments about you is a type of mental abuse. Staying with someone who engages in this type of behaviour for any period of time is choosing to stay in an abusive relationship.
If you have any children who have witnessed this behaviour, and you haven't done anything about it, you're only telling them it's okay to behave this way or that it's okay to let someone behave that way to them. Nothing about this situation can be positive, regardless of whether you're the best of friends. Let's be honest though, would a real friend tell you that you look fat today? Even if you did, and they felt the need to comment, a real friend would say it in a way that didn't insult you or make you feel insecure.
Their main purpose in saying anything would be to help you or support you. Compare that scene to how your husband treats and shows respect to you. Does he really have your best interests at heart or does he just want you to look better for his own purposes? Now that you've been introduced to the way two people who care for each other should treat each other, it's easy to see how you would feel like you're missing something.
The question is, what are you going to do about it? Can your relationship with your husband truly be fixed? Or are you just deluding yourself to avoid confronting something you dread? These are some difficult questions that only you can answer. This is your life and you need to determine how you want to live it.
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Email: ayoadehat@yahoo.co.uk
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