 |
THE LOVE THING
By Eric Orji
E-mail: ayoadehat@yahoo.co.uk |
 |
|
He slept with the enemy
My husband was asked to leave our house, so that I may have some cooling off time. When he came back I asked him if he stayed with a female and he told me no.
That was 4 months ago. I found out 3 days ago, he really stayed with a single female of 30 years. We are both 24. I wouldn’t have had a problem with that, but he slept in her bed with her. He said nothing happened. I would have believed him, but his password for his email was this woman’s last name, plus he did a search for her on the Internet. When I asked if there was anything going on with her, he said no and that she was just a friend. I really don’t know what to do; he said he is sorry that he lied about staying with a female and that he didn’t tell me either. But, he isn’t sorry for staying in the same bed with her, because nothing happened and he can use her for a password if he wants and look her up on the net if he wants to. He doesn’t see the problem other than the lying. I am so crushed over it all. Please help, do you think he is telling the truth and I am overreacting? His brother told me that he told my husband that he could have stayed with him, but my husband chose to stay with this woman instead. Help!
-BAIRA
**I can’t say that I don’t understand your frustration and worry. If he felt he had to lie about staying at her house, there was likely more going on than he’s admitting to. If he didn’t also have the other three situations out against him it might be easier to believe his story. It’s a tough call and the only one who can really make the choice is you. You know your husband and if you have any instincts about this, you should absolutely trust them. In the end it comes down to whether or not you trust your husband. If you find that you don’t, it’s going to be hard to keep your marriage together without that crucial element. In addition, there is more going on in this marriage than just the cheating factor. Asking your husband to leave in the first place indicates serious problems already exist in this relationship. What would have made him choose to go to another woman’s house instead of his brother’s? This is an important question that you both should sit down and talk about. There are some very important pieces missing in both of your communications and relationship.
I’m feeling second
My husband and I first kissed on the 13th of April. Ever since that date, he and I have celebrated the 13th of each month with cards, flowers and dining out. This notion was his idea, and I always thought he was so sweet to keep up with it because I’d never heard of celebrating every month.
Recently I found out that he had this exact same ritual with his ex-wife. During one of the ritual nights he made me a romantic candlelit dinner from scratch. I later found out that he cooked me his ex-wife’s favourite meal.
Is it wrong of me to be upset and want some originality in our marriage? My husband doesn’t understand my view on this, but I’m hurt that all this time I was led to believe these things were special, one-of-a-kind gestures. He says he loves me and that I’m special to him. So, why can’t he come up with something new to share with me and leave his previous special rituals in the past?
-AG
**A person’s past experiences are part of what makes them who they are. Your husband’s personality and behaviour are what made you fall in love with him. A large portion of who he is comes from his past relationship experiences. To discount those experiences and ideas is to invalidate all of his efforts to romance you.
You may be talking about how hurt you are, but have you looked at it from his point of view? A person develops a repertoire of skills during their lifetime. One area of skills you can develop is your romance and relationship skill set. During his previous relationship he honed in on a very successful idea. If you knew that all of your past love interests liked a certain thing you did, wouldn’t you do it again with your current partner? It really shouldn’t matter if he did these things with a previous partner or not. I would be more upset to know that he did all these things for an ex-wife and not for me too.
As for the dinner, maybe he knew it would be a hit? If you have a skill or idea that you know works, why try something new? Give him a chance to find new ways to be creative on his own. For now, love that he loves you and wants to commemorate something special, no matter how he goes about doing it.
I don’t want to lose my trust in her
My girlfriend/fiancé and I have lived together for almost a year. Our relationship was rough due to financial problems and me losing my business. The one problem we never had was trust. o matter the situation we always trusted each other and saw our problems through. Recently, we had a breakthrough in communication and our relationship has flourished into something I did not think was possible and we have been very happy. Unfortunately, I’ve run into a little snag.
She went to a get-together at her father’s home, and it turned into a party. She had too much to drink, and went to her father’s room to sleep. When she awoke a guy friend of ours was lying next to her (a real snake in the grass type person). She said they were fully dressed and nothing had happened. I learned this information from an outside source. She swore on her own son’s life that she was telling the truth. I do feel she is, but for the first time in our relationship my trust is not 100%. Thoughts plague me, keep me awake at night and now I am feeling very insecure. I am a very secure person and do not like these new-found emotions. I love her and what we have become together, but I do not know how to deal with this. I cannot talk to any friends about this. It would be too embarrassing to discuss it, and it would tarnish her reputation in the process. Any advice would be helpful. As far as I know, she has always been honest and has proved her loyalty to me time and time again.
-PETR
**I understand how you’re feeling, but you need to look at this from a different perspective. How would you feel if her trust in you was failing after an incident that, in all probability, you did nothing wrong in? You both seem to care a lot about the future of your relationship. Don’t allow someone else’s viewpoints, or nagging self-doubt block valid reasoning.
If she’s done nothing to indicate or even give you a sliver of doubt before, odds are she hasn’t done it now either. These seeds of doubt you are planting could grow into something very harmful if not tended to fairly quickly.
Remember, a solid relationship is built on trust, respect and friendship. The true testament to this is how well each partner weathers the storms that come in. This is one of those stormy moments. You need to decide what is more important: the possibility of your pride or heart being hurt or the potential of a long lasting relationship with a life mate. Let’s face it; if you can’t find the trust now, you will never be 100% happy with the relationship in the future.
|
